Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
