did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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