before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Sex on roller skates
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.