Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
