It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I wish you could order shots online.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
