we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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