I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
