Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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