I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
