At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
