My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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