When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
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I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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