Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
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Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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