its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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