last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
