allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
