i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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