I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
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So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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