That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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