i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
