he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
