There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Drake has all the answers
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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