I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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