From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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