can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
