i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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