She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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