Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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