Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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