if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I can't turn off my feet"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
