PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
