she told me i tasted like america
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
