I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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