if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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