his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough