I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
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so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
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Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.