We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Randomize
