Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.