so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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