A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
