what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
