I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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