Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
