I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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