dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
