my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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