I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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