i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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