dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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