What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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