Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
