so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
