you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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