Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
