no, he came in my armpit
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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