I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
