I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
