My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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