My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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